Lost Journal Posts

Theses are two journal entries that I “lost”. In reality, I think I wrote them and subconsciously “forgot” about them because I was ashamed of what I had written.

I have had enough shame in my life. Either from feeling ashamed myself, or other people making me feel inadequate and wrong. This really needs to stop. I have taken some first steps in this direction, but I must continue to stand up and fight off this feeling. I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, “Marcus, you are a good man.” Occaissionaly, I have glimpses of my internal strength, but I want to be able to truly know my strengths and weaknesses, not simply what people tell me they are.

Going down this path, I am posting these entries that troubled me earlier. They were not fun to write, but I had to get these thoughts and feelings on paper. Many times I am ashamed, that instill have powerfully negative thoughts even after so much intensive treatment. I feel that I am failing in Life if I slide back into my old ways. But I think these thoughts and impulses will always be with me. What is important is that I have learned how to manage them so that they are not dangerous.

These thoughts and feelings can be terrible and soul crushing. I don’t need to share them, but I want to. I have been hiding for too long. I wish to take a small step from behind the curtain. Sometimes I am strong. Sometimes I am weak. But I am always Marcus. I must stop being ashamed of who I am.

Journal 22Jun2016

Journal 01Jul2016

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Street Art – Mainz 19Jun 2016

Lately I have been wrestling with feelings of sadness and anger. Unfortunately, I have had little experience with expressing either of the two. For my entire life, I have been taught to suppress these feelings at all costs. To let them come up is both uncomfortable and scary (even if it is healthy and good for me).

One afternoon I was so distressed and torn that I made these quick cards. I didn’t even take the time to add the extra effects that make the text glow in low light. But these are themes I have been struggling with. Who am I? What do I do? Who is on my side? How do I find my place (what do I do when I get there?)?

In the next 5 years I would like to return to teaching. But this time at a small college or university. Not an education behemoth like my last position. I’d like classes of 15-20 students instead of 50-60. I think this can be done. I just need to figure out how to build the road from here to there….and who will be allowed to come with me.