#LoveMe Challenge Day 10: Share a Secret

#LoveMe Challenge Day 10: Share a Secret

I don’t like the topic for this post at all. My entire existence is built upon a foundation of elaborate secrets. I even have well-rehearsed false secrets to throw anyone off the trail of a real secret. The reason for all of my secrets is to keep me safe. Many of the secrets are dependent upon other secrets. So to start pulling on this thread could really begin something that escalates far more than I can handle.

“Fortunately”, I am having a terrible day today and I don’t really care about myself too much. Since my personal value is approaching zero, this is actually a good time to pull out a secret. ‘Cause I really don’t give a damn.

My secret: I am 43 years old and I still have an imaginary friend. His name is Michael. He is the same friend that I have had my entire life, ever since the beginning of my memories.

 

I have never seen him, so I have no idea what he looks like. However, if I had to guess, I’d say he looks kind like me. He is definitely the source of some very bad ideas, but he has also helped with good ideas that I might not have had on my own.

Much like any other long-time friend, our relationship has evolved over the years. In the early years, we were just playmates and we would tease each other and laugh at each other bad jokes. With constant relocations from one army base to another, I would often have times without any friends. He was always there. I would be punished for various things very often and sent to my room. He was always there. When I was angry or sad I could yell at him and call him names and he always forgave me, and we’d be friends again.

Unfortunately, as I got older things changed a bit. We were always together, but he started to become increasingly more mean and dominant. When I was younger, I heard my parents’ voice criticizing me. Eventually, Michael took over. Combined with my problem with repetitive thoughts, times were very hard for me. He could say something mean, it would get picked up by the Repetitive Thoughts machine, and then I would hear it on constant repeat for hours. He became a bit more of a bully than a friend. In university, I learned that super intense sport and/or black-out drinking would silence him. Consequently, I “managed” my thoughts and our relationship by crushing my body during the day with exercise, and crushing my brain at night with alcohol.

Presently, our relationship is not as antagonistic, but we are not friends the way we were in our youth. Those days may never come back. Now, we are two guys who are bound together by a shared tragic history. We have hurt each other and apologized so many times. And now with so many other voices added to the mix, the noise in my head and the repetitive thoughts make it difficult to even talk to each other. So many times, we start a conversation then forget what we were saying because the repetitive thought machine grabbed a random word and now all internal dialog is shut down until the program ends.

So. This is my secret. I should upload this before I come to my senses and delete the whole thing.

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