Theses are two journal entries that I “lost”. In reality, I think I wrote them and subconsciously “forgot” about them because I was ashamed of what I had written.
I have had enough shame in my life. Either from feeling ashamed myself, or other people making me feel inadequate and wrong. This really needs to stop. I have taken some first steps in this direction, but I must continue to stand up and fight off this feeling. I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, “Marcus, you are a good man.” Occaissionaly, I have glimpses of my internal strength, but I want to be able to truly know my strengths and weaknesses, not simply what people tell me they are.
Going down this path, I am posting these entries that troubled me earlier. They were not fun to write, but I had to get these thoughts and feelings on paper. Many times I am ashamed, that instill have powerfully negative thoughts even after so much intensive treatment. I feel that I am failing in Life if I slide back into my old ways. But I think these thoughts and impulses will always be with me. What is important is that I have learned how to manage them so that they are not dangerous.
These thoughts and feelings can be terrible and soul crushing. I don’t need to share them, but I want to. I have been hiding for too long. I wish to take a small step from behind the curtain. Sometimes I am strong. Sometimes I am weak. But I am always Marcus. I must stop being ashamed of who I am.